Jock Time, Part II

I wrote and then abandoned a version of this post where I talked a lot about gamification and self-tracking (further revisions might have yielded additional discussion about the neoliberal encroachments on life, the anxiety that even a newsletter I started for my own amusement has become a source of neurosis and self-flagellation: imagine the shame of writing a mid post and being exposed to my handful of readers — who are already, for the most part, good friends — as a mediocrity!), but I abandoned it because all it was about, ultimately, was how I felt superior to people who focused heavily on metrics when they exercised because I enjoyed feeling alive in the sunshine — but in a very smug and un-self-aware way. Better to openly admit it: I run exclusively for vibes, what might pass as my training program is exclusively vibes, and I think this is a better and more pleasurable way to approach the practice because why bother running 5k uphill unless you’re going to perch on a rock at the top for a bit and enjoy the view?

Several of my friends say that they prefer to run on treadmills because they like seeing the numbers go up, because there is a clear feeling of accomplishment of a task, but there is an unbridgeable gulf of understanding between us. I do not know if my pleasure in feeling superior, more subtle, more aesthetically attuned to the world in my approach to running is greater than my enjoyment of the running itself; I resist this because it seems like a vulgar attitude. Perhaps still more vulgar to post reflexively about my snobbery, even though that is the greatest pleasure. After all, I’m not DFW. But perhaps the greatest and most subtle pleasure of all remains unavailable — not posting this at all, and existing in the quiet of deep self-awareness — I wish I could be that person, but how could I signal it?